Hardest before the dawn

My blog has been quiet for a couple of months. I just haven’t been able to unjumble the words and thoughts in my head in order to write something that best describes how I am feeling. The truth is, I don’t really know. I am at a point at the moment where I am constantly clouded by negativity. It follows me on good and bad days, eagerly trying to pull me down. I spend so much time worrying about so many different things. Whether I will ever be able to work again. Whether I will ever feel better or ever be able to cope and function with the pain. I wonder why I am no longer in contact with a lot of people. What does the future have to hold for me? These are all things that I would have never thought could be so challenging. As much as I want to make plans for the future, everything seems so out of reach at the moment.

I am learning how to cope better with my pain, but, it does not make it easier to manage or accept. I spend a lot of time trying to battle my way through the foggy cloud that my mind has become just to be welcomed by a dull ache from head to toe. My pain isn’t consistent or predictable meaning it is hit or miss whether I will be able to function on any given day. It takes a lot of physical and mental strength for me to actually get up and not completely write off another day by spending it in bed. I am always looking for a distraction and have recently spent countless hours watching movies and series on Netflix just to take my mind to another place. I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Since my diagnosis I have been seen by Rheumatologists, a physiotherapist, psychologists, a cognitive behavioural therapist, pain clinics, occupational therapists a hydrotherapist, doctors and general practitioners but, as expected I haven’t really had any answers. I will be attending the residential pain management programme 5 days a week for 3 weeks at St Thomas`s hospital. I will be living at the hospital apart from at weekends and from 9-5 will be following a timetable of physiotherapy, psychology and occupational therapy which I have been told will help me cope with my pain better. I have had my assessment where I spent an hour talking to a psychologist and an hour talking to a physiotherapist to ensure that the programme would be right for me. I have to admit I am pretty sceptical about the process as the programme includes a lot of things that I have already done over the last year but, I will try anything and this is all that is left to try. I am currently on the waiting list and based on how long I have waited for previous appointments, it is going to be a long wait. I plan to blog whilst I am there to show my journey and give my honest opinion on the process.

I have recently had little motivation to do anything, especially when it has comes to writing my blog but, I have had some lovely messages from people all over the world that have read my previous posts. They have found my posts helpful and really enjoy reading them which has given me the motivation to start writing again. Thank you for reading this post. I aim to make my posts more frequent from now on as it gives me something to focus on 😊

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