I seem to be lost in this fog

Day 6 – Week 2

I definitely have that Monday morning feeling. I had quite a bad nights sleep so motivating myself was quite difficult.

We started the day off with some physio which just highlighted all the pain that my body was in. We were told only to do a bit of a movement if the full movement was causing us to battle with our pain but, I struggle to allow my body to do the least it possibly can. I have always pushed myself to do more as right now my mind doesn’t quite sync up with my body. My mind is telling me that I am capable of pushing myself further where my body is telling me to lay down and rest.

Occupational therapy was quite an eye-opener. A different therapist ran the session, the one I mentioned at the beginning of last week. He went around the room and asked us what we individually took from last week and how it has impacted us. I pointed out that I did not feel like I had really learnt anything new in the last week and have been questioning why I am still here. I have been counting down the days rather than using this time to its full potential. It has become more of a task rather than a benefit to me. I tend to push through my pain in order to accomplish what I want to as tuning in to my thoughts and feelings tends to halt my progress and reminds me of how much things have changed. He said that in order to help ourselves we must stop avoiding all of the barriers in our way and learn to work with them in order to do what is important to us. It is up to us to change our behaviour towards difficult tasks. Anything that is important to us will be challenging to reach and avoiding the struggle will just increase our frustration and push us further into isolation. I came out of the session feeling quite overwhelmed and anxious and I have this overwhelming feeling that I am gradually losing more control over my situation.

Psychology was as boring and unhelpful as always. We started off with a mindfulness exercise where we were asked to tune in on our senses and embrace the experiences we were having at that moment, whether it be the sounds outside or the objects surrounding us. The idea was to be more aware of what is happening in the present and not to focus on worries that we can not control. If you can not change the situation at that moment then focus your attention on something else that is more important to you.

We all got the opportunity to speak to the nurse one to one. I just wanted to discuss the issues that I have been having with nausea. Nausea has been something I have suffered with ever since I started taking strong medication to try to combat my pain. I have been off all of these tablets for quite some time but, the sickness has stuck with me ever since. I have been concerned for some time that persistent nausea could be due to something more sinister that has not yet been looked into as I refuse to believe that Fibro is causing it. The nurse believes it is nothing to worry about and suggested that anxiety could be the cause which is a load of rubbish. Her only advice was to keep an eye on it and to keep a diary of when this symptom arises.

We spent our last hour of the day listening to a physiotherapist talking about how our bodies heal. We learnt the healing time for anything from a small cut to a broken bone. This all seemed pretty irrelevant as chronic pain is not caused by actual damage to the body so therefore has nothing to actually heal. Whenever we ask about our pain we never seem to get a straight answer and get told that it is complicated. Trust me, I know our conditions are complicated but, you would think that they would have a bit more to contribute that to tell us how a ‘normal’ body works.

I have tried so hard to keep an open mind and take as much from this experience as I can, however, I feel like a lot of what we are doing I have done before which causes me to lose hope in what is meant to be my last chance of regaining my life back.

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