Over the past year I have sat down many times to write but, have struggled to put together even a few sentences. As much as I love writing, I haven’t felt very inspired to create a post. However, today I have sat down and reflected on how i have been feeling mentally and physically and have thought about all of the things that have happened over the past year. I also went as far as to write down a list of person goals that i would like to accomplish or at least be working towards by this time next year.
So to start, I wanted to talk a bit about my health. I haven’t seen any specialist doctors about my condition for probably about 2 years now. I had gotten to the stage where I has tried and tested everything offered to me, I had filled my body with medications that turned out to be doing more damage than good and I didn’t feel like I was getting a lot of active support, mainly down to the fact that there is just not enough known about fibro in order to sufficiently help people. This in itself is a very daunting thought. I started my journey not knowing anything about this condition which fuelled me to learn more to help myself and others. I feel I have come out the other side knowing more but, feeling less empowered by the knowledge I have gained. Over time, I have been able to have a better understanding of what I suffer with but, sadly am still not armed with the tools to fight it. This has definitely taken its toll on my mental health. I still feel this sense of loss and lack of purpose that comes in waves and makes me not want to get out of bed and try. My previous “normal” pain has now increased and I have been trying to get used to this new “normal”. The fatigue hits me like of ton of bricks and I spend a lot of time trying to fight my way out of the fog that it causes, not wanting to waste hours of my day sleeping. My leg pain has been especially bad, mainly during the night; waking me up on countless occasions and stealing the few hours of painless peace that sleep does offer. It is a battle but, i am still trying my best to not give in and fight it.
The reason I am speaking so openly about the effects of this condition is because I feel like it is still something not widely spoken about. I also feel that people with this condition are often separated into 2 categories; those who can and those who cant function, which in my opinion often undermines both types as it is not black and white. I can function but, it is my way of functioning and not necessarily enough to class myself as someone who is physically capable of leading a normal life. However, to someone who doesn’t know me and even to some that do, I look more than capable of doing the same as any able-bodied person can.
This year has been tough on everyone. We have all had to get used to this new way of living and even once the pandemic is over, things will never be the same as they were before. But, i would just like to encourage you to spare a moment to think about how similar the situation we have been forced into is to those who were disabled before this all happened. Isolation isn’t a new concept. People like myself are often deemed less important and therefore, help, support and guidance is often not there. I truly feel for anyone who has lost work due to the pandemic but, I think it is important to remember that at least for those people, work will still be an option once this is over. Those in my situation struggle daily to find purpose and create a meaningful routine for themselves as they know that work isn’t a feasible option. I am in no way saying that finding work is easy for those who are able to do so but, it is important to remember that getting back to a new “normal” will not offer the same opportunities for everyone.
I am going to break this into more posts as i clearly had more to say than I thought. I do also want to point out that I am doing ok in the grand scheme of things. I put Fibro in a separate category!
Take Care. Stay Safe and I will be back soon!